Throes of widowers

Widowers, like widows should also be taken care of and given consideration as a result of the plight they undergo after losing their better-half


The word “WIDOW” is a very familiar word that everyone at different levels can relate with. The moment you hear the word “widow” or “widowhood”, the first thing that comes to your mind is a woman who lost her husband and is left alone to cater for her children in a world of struggles, and is probably being maltreated by her late husband’s relatives. In Nigeria, widows have different experiences depending on which part of the country they belong. The traditional norms and values in different states and tribes in Nigeria, often times determines how these women are being treated. But one thing is certain, all widows are left alone to cater for themselves and their children without the aid of a husband figure.

Due to the rate at which widows struggle for survival, many non-governmental organizations, governmental and even religious organizations have taken up the responsibility of meeting the needs of these women by empowering them and giving their children scholarships. Both in Nigeria and the world at large, naturally sympathizes with this set of women. Currently, widows are being celebrated round the world on the 23rd of June as INTERNATIONAL WIDOWS DAY. It’s a day set aside specifically for the widows to tackle their pressing needs. It was established by the United Nations in 2011. Unfortunately, even with all these special treatments given to the widows round the world, some of them for some certain reasons have not experienced or enjoyed any of the privileges. But we can also say that a good percentage of widows in Nigeria and the world have been attended to and assisted so much that they sometimes forget their status as widows.

It’s quite amazing seeing how helping the widows and their children have become a necessity that can’t be ignored round the world. But what about the “WIDOWERS”? Who meets their needs? Why are they being neglected? Why are they not celebrated internationally like the widows? Why are there no NGOs established specifically for them? Don’t they have needs to be met? Don’t they have children to be taken cared of? Why are the widowers not shown much care and concern like the widows?

These are the pressing questions that tends to arise as a result of this subject matter. One may say that the widowers are men, therefore they can cope or survive alone with the situation. But is that really true? Are men always expected to show masculinity in every situation, especially in a situation like this? It is really out of place to assume that the widower doesn’t need as much attention as the widows. It is true that men are the heads of the family and have the responsibility to cater for the family, no doubt about that. But what about families where the breadwinner is the woman? What about the function the woman plays in the family as a wife and mother to her husband and children? Have we ever pause to imagine how the absence of the woman in a family affects the stability of a home? All these questions are what nobody cares to ask because of the assumption that its only difficult for the widows and not the widowers.

Mr. Peter Okafor (not real name), a widower for the past 5 years shared his experience with this writer on behalf of Supremacy Magazine. Okafor, aged 43, father of three who hails from Anambra state and works as a contractor lost his dearly beloved wife in 2018. His three children are within the age range of 7-12 years. The young widower in his sorrowful narration shared how the loss of his wife affected his children and him, most especially, in every area of his life. He described how his job was affected, his personal time with his friends which he no longer had and playing the role of a father and a mother to his children which has been really telling on him.

Usually as a contractor, he is required to travel all the time to different parts of the country to work which was done with ease when his wife was alive, because she would watch over the children and ensure their safety. But ever since she passed-on, the circumstance has made him to reject any external contract that was not within his state of residence, in other to be close to his children and to make sure they are not bullied, maltreated by anyone or feeling lonely. According to him, rejecting external jobs led to his current financial imbalance because there is not much work within his state of residence. He added that whenever he travels some miles away from home, his children whom he leaves at home with his late wife younger sister always become sober, especially his last born and in tears, they seek for the where about of their only parent. Although he had a lot of assistance from his mother but she also passed away in 2021 which made it a lot difficult for him, because his mother was the only experienced and trusted woman he knew could stand in as a mother figure to his growing kids.

His late wife’s sister on the other hand happens to be a young girl who has little or no experience on how to raise children. He described her as a growing young lady who could only do some chores and look after the children when he wasn’t around but wasn’t fit enough to help raise his children as he needed. According to him, his children were not the only ones in need of care and comfort but him also, because he experienced loneliness and depression realizing that his wife who was also his best friend and closest companion was no more.

While sharing with us the necessary roles his late wife played in the family while she was alive, he said she always prepared his children for school at the early hours of the day when he is very much fast asleep, cooked for them, took them to school, attend some important school meetings or events that required the presence of a parent, assisted him financially and bridged the gap between him and his children whenever he traveled for a long period of time. She always ensures that whenever he was away from home for long, his children kept a close communication with him. She also assisted the kids in their academics, taught them the ways of the Lord and showed them so much motherly love and care that every child craves for, while being his comfort and support system.

But since her demise, it has never remained the same for him and his children. Though he had been advised many times to remarry because of his children but he found it difficult because he hasn’t fully recovered from the trauma of losing the love of his life and has not found the right woman that would treat his children as her own.

When asked about receiving any help or assistance from religious institutions, NGOs or even individuals, his answer was a capital NO. According to him no one has showed him care or sympathy since his wife died, not even his church. Although, he is not used to asking or demanding help from people because he believes that God will continue to assist him, but if any one renders any form of help to him, he would gladly receive it. He revealed his plans of getting married this year because he can no longer cope with the level of loneliness he is experiencing and does not want his children to grow without a mother figure in their life because the role a mother plays in the life of a growing child cannot be over emphasized.

As a widower, he suggested that more attention should be given to his fellow widowers just like the widows. According to him, “all fingers are not equal, there are widowers out there who desperately need assistance and as much help they can get. He noted that although it is good for the man to be the financial pillar of every home, but when a man loses his wife, such situation has every tendency to destabilize that man no matter how financially buoyant he used to be. With reference to himself, he said that the unexpected death of his wife affected him psychologically, emotionally, socially and even financially because his business was greatly affected due to his divided attention. To him, such experience is not something he would wish even to his enemy.

In summary, the loss of a loved one is an overwhelming, heart breaking experience that many finds very hard to recover from, which makes it enough reason for one to be given attention or shown sympathy by assisting that person in any way possible, be it a widow or a widower. There are countless widowers out there who die along with their wives psychologically, emotionally and sometimes physically because they couldn’t bear the loss. There have been stories of men who die few days after the death of their wives due to the difficulty of getting over the loss and the thought of training their children all alone without their wives. Some of these men also end up becoming depressed the rest of their lives, making their children victims of negligence.

This is to say that both the child of a widow and that of a widower have every tendency of becoming wayward and causing nuisance to the society. Therefore, widowers should no longer be neglected or ignored. Like they say, in every egoistic man is a boy that needs a helping hand or craves for attention. Let us not wait for them to cry out for help before help comes because it is not in the nature of men to ask for help even when they are dying silently. But they will forever remain grateful when help comes their way and attention is given to them voluntarily.